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Opinion

Comment: Lots of penis, no balls

Hallie Barrows from New York is slowly recovering from the festival season where she was introduced to the Danes and their strange customs - the hard way!

Oh, where should I begin? Hmmm. Let’s start with Danish men and their penises. They like them alot. And they like to whip it out anywhere. I mean ANYWHERE. I’m pretty sure Danes’ tendency to piss any and everywhere is part of the mating ritual. Like »Oh, that cute girl over there is checking me out, I think I should take a piss on the tree next to her so she can see my penis,«

Don’t believe me? Allow me to demonstrate. There was a guy that I was checking out; very cute and normal looking. When he sees me looking at him, did he walk over and introduce himself? Of course not, he took a piss at the nearest urinal and smirked at me as he introduced his manhood.

I did not hook up with anyone at the festival because the thought of anyone’s unwashed, urine soaked, fingers or penis coming within a few feet of my special woman made my clit retreat. But I did get some action. Once, I took a nap on one of the mattresses / benches located around the Orange Stage and woke up to a random guy spooning me. Imagine how much further he could have gotten had he actually introduced himself.

Scared off by boob

My second encounter was with a random naked guy. I still have no idea why he didn’t have clothes on, it wasn’t a special event or anything. But being the perv that I am, I looked to check out his package and noticed a fair amount of shrinkage. He actually got embarrassed and pulled at it I guess to coax it out of hiding. And when I walked passed, he bent over and tried to hit me with his ass.

In case the abundance of alcohol, mattresses, and pissy penises weren’t enough to get you in the mood, there was also the Naked Race. It is exactly as it sounds and the nude winners receive free tickets to the next festival. I chose to abstain.

If a person met someone that they liked enough to kiss, but not actually engage in hot sweaty tent sex with, there was an area that closely resembled an opium den available. So you could make out practically on the floor with sweet mu-sak playing in the background. I went there once and went running for the hills when I spotted a woman’s bare boob.

Girls, grab the one you want

By the last day, the sexual tension over the area was thick enough to cut with a knife. In a last ditch effort the men walked around topless, with their pants and underwear low enough to see the lovely ‘D’Angelo’ hip bone crease. And girls, they were freaking delicious. DE-LI-CIOUS. Of the men that went topless, 85% of them had bodies that you wanted to see disrobed. Of that 85%, 90% of them were 6’0 or close to if not more.

So imagine hundreds of tall, toned, hot, horny Viking-looking mofos all around. But get this, they will not come over to you. Why? Because Danish chicks are freaking amazons and took their balls. So how do they hook up you may ask? The guy shows off the goods like ‘here’s my penis’ and the girls literally grab them and drag them back to their tent. Or mattress or patch of dirt.

So what have we learned boys and girls? Well, if you want to hook up with someone at Roskilde, do it the first day when most have bathed in the last 24 hours. Guys, if you want a girl, just whip your penis out. Girls, grab the one you want, he won’t resist, and have your way with him. Also, Danish men are as hung as I thought, but sadly have little to no balls; which helps to explain why so many of them are massive dicks.

universitypost@adm.ku.dk

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