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Comment: How to get your Danish man

The Danish male is a frightened schoolboy when it comes to matters of lust. This is according to Hallie Barrows, a feisty New Yorker, who bases this featured comment on extensive 'field work'. Read her advice on how to get some 'Danish'

Summer is finally here and sex is in the air. The many layers of clothing can finally be discarded and the lovely Danish biking ass (female and male) is on display. For those looking to get some, and I can assure you it is as tasty as it looks, here’s some advice. It is based on two years of empirical research in this crazy town of København and I can guarantee its accuracy.

There are numerous articles written by foreigners that have been unlucky in love. Many women call the Danish male unromantic. My hypothesis is Danes are unromantic, but only when the foreigner in question uses their culture as the unit of measure. Comparing Danes to Italians, for instance, is like comparing smørrebrød to pasta; you will always be disappointed. Instead, learn the ways of the Danes and you too can have your very own Viking.

The Danish male is a frightened school boy if he does not have a can of liquid courage in his hand. Their female counterparts have made them very, very afraid and few will risk their ego by directly approaching a woman. But they will make their interest known, you just need to know how to read the signs. Here are five rules to remember if you want ‘some Danish’.

Rule #1 – Guys smell desperation a mile away
They are the sexual equivalent of bloodhounds in that category. So the first step in landing a guy in Denmark is to actually enjoy being by yourself, or if you’re in a group, hanging out with your friends. We’ve all seen the stage-four clinger on the dance floor. The person that dances with her friends, but is constantly looking around for a guy she can ditch them for the minute he walks in the door. He sees her too, and keeps his distance. Do not be her.

Rule #2 – Aggression will make Danish guys run for the hills
Why? See rule number one. Being too direct when he is too sober means no Dane for you.

Rule #3 – That guy dancing next to you – likes you
I said guys in Denmark are shy, so their idea of flirting is dancing really close (but not too close) for several songs in the hope that you will notice them noticing you. If he’s there for three songs and occasionally makes eye contact, move a little closer. Trust me, he will dance with you and you’re on your way to getting some for the night.

Rule #4 – That guy bumping into you – likes you
Remember when you were in grade school and the boys would grab your pigtails and make you cry and your mom said it was because he liked you? She was right and they have not outgrown that terrible habit. Here’s a personal example. Last year during Distortion, my friends and I were at Ideal Bar having a great time when I felt someone bump into me. Being a New Yorker who fiercely defends her personal space, I employed my patented “sharp jerk of elbow” into my aggressor’s side. It’s a great trick because it usually gets the person to move over and if they get mad, you can just pretend that you’re a really bad dancer. However, it didn’t work as well as I had hoped and the two of us fought for most of the night. Things got more intense and at one point, my assailant pushed me so hard, I had to leap over the pile of handbags my friends had collected in the middle of our circle. Enraged and full of beer, I turn around and pushed the guy with all my might as I screamed ‘What the fuck is your problem?!’ But when my hands landed on his chest, I was shocked to see the most handsome Viking god I had ever laid eyes on. Surprised by my strength, he fell backward and laughed at my outburst. I went back to dancing and I felt him behind me again. But instead of pushing me, he put his hands around my waist and my drunken brain finally made the connection.

Rule #5 – Wait until two o’clock in the morning
This is the hook up hour and between two and three, people are pairing off and going home. The sexual tension is palatable and this is when the Danish aggression finally comes out. So if a hook-up is what you’re looking for, just seek out the guys that have the look of insatiable thirst in their eyes. Now is the time to be forthright, the need for sexual gratification coupled with alcohol has made the Danish male courageous enough to appreciate your advances. But beware, the guys that are trolling around for a partner at this time of night are what I like to refer to as “the bruised fruit”. They are the equivalent of Netto produce, somewhat moldy and most shoppers have picked them over for the fresher greens of Irma.

Do you agree with Hallie? Write a comment below.

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