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Distortion festival: An insider's guide

Distortion is coming. Sigurd Plaetner — a writer and a Distortion veteran and agent — has agreed to provide us with this exclusive guide to the event. Enjoy!

Distortion is much like sex with a stranger. Some like it hard — a semi-conscious romp on the street curb, bodies writhing to thumping up-beat african minimal techno. Others use protection, love intimacy, and the charming smile under the rays of sun on a green pasture. Others yet, find the experience most enjoyable as an observer — a voyeur with a cold beer in one hand, a camera in the other, and a smoke hanging out the corner of their mouth. In other words, Distortion can be as many things as there are attendees. It is impossible to make a universal guide, but in this guide I can tell you what I would recommend based on my preferences.

Wednesday 29 May: Nørrebro

During the day, I would recommend coasting around the various street parties in Nørrebro. You should absolutely not miss the Syrian dance party with the Sheikh-like Syrian wedding-singer Omar Souleyman on the “Colberg Truck”, on Sankt Hans Torv. Seriously, check him out on youtube!

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I would also recommend you go out and find the man known by the names of Peter Parker, Stevie Makes Me Wonder, and/or Peter Grünewald. He makes some awesome mix tapes. Check him out on soundcloud. For real.

As the evening draws nearer, I’d go to Søpavillonen for some #punk #dance #smokemachine-partying. Amongst others, here you’ll get a chance to hear the beautiful Emma Leth, and Brynjolfur.

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Thursday, 30 May: Vesterbro

There’s no doubt you should go to ASFALT-BAL FM (102.3Mhz) from 6pm to 8pm, where Distortion, in collaboration with Radio 24syv, transforms Istedgade (between Istedgrill and McKluds) to a Live Ghettoblaster. We will play a mixtape over the airwaves, and ask all Istedgade residents to hang their speakers out their windows and tune in on our channel.

If you’re a fan of the so-called whiskey belt [fancy-pantsy rich area along Strandvejen -ed.], we’ll also be throwing a pop-up disco party on Charlottenlund station. Transport from the central station is free: departure at 6:29pm and return at 8:30pm.

In the evening, things are gonna get really sexy. We’ve been granted permission (halle-lu-yah!) to take over a gigantic, and hitherto unused, multistory car-park under Langebro, where the London-based label Phantasy Sound will present artists such as Erol Alkan and Daniel Avery. This is the year’s most bizzare venue. There will be hard, gray concrete, love, and hand-rolled cigarettes.

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Friday, 31 March: Refshaleøen

Party by the docks at Refshaleøen, and shuttle back and forth from the ‘mainland’ in sea-busses, decorated and equipped to spec — what more is there to say? I’d personally try to find Alis’ floating skateboarding ramp where Phase5 and Dokkedal from Yo Fok will be playing.

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You should also drop by the Nordic Stage on Colberg Truck, where Fernando, Mansisters, Kasper Björke, and Skatebård will play. This scene is an attempt to gather the crème de la crème of nordic, upcoming electronica on a single stage. Oh yeah, and you can also get a pork-roast sandwitch: the obligatory armament for a good night in town. During the night, I’d take the party to Halvandet, where the party is hosted by french label Ed Banger Records and the Red Bull Music Academy.

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Saturday, oh beloved Saturday, 1 June: the final showdown

This is the part where you orgasm. The Final Party. The place where you don’t get quite enough oxygen to your brain, are not physically capable of worrying about your bank advisor, upcoming exam, your parents’ divorce, or worryingly frequent Thursday binges. It’s at the Final Party that you change sexuality. It’s at the Final Party you take the wrong pair of shoes home. It’s at the Final Party that you forget to remember. It’s at the Final Party that sweat turns to wine. It’s at the Final Party that it all goes down. For the sake of God, the Virgin Mary, Mohammed and the Buddha: go to the Final Party.

No, but seriously.

Everything from the Animal Collective’s tour manager, DJ Fitz, to Anika, Tim Sweeney, DJ Harvey, Ukendt Kunstner, Dracula Lewis, and Yo Felles, will be gathered in one big orgie. Damn! And it doesn’t end there — the best thing about the Final Party is the morning party, for those who just can’t stop. The morning party is you lying in the grass, in love, trumpets blaring in your ears, blue balloons for eyes, and a burnt out husk of a soul, filled with shame. It’s at the morning party, that the Distortion team disrobes and goes nuts, after working non-stop for several months. Come and morning party with us.

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Sunday 2 May: Chillout

Here is where we say thanks, goodbye, au revoir, and well fought. It’s a place where you can just take a breath of fresh air, with some good music playing in the background. Check out our Volunteer, for chrissake!

  • Don’t get so fucked up during the street parties that you miss the evening parties!
  • Come to the morning party!
  • Kiss a stranger of the same gender!
  • Stop a brawl!
  • Have a good party!
  • Thanks!
  • Kisses!

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