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Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how talented you are, you are unable to find work
Finding a job as a new graduate is playing the lottery – maybe you win, but more often than not, you lose. It seems like you’ll never get a job. The bills are piling up, and instant noodles are all that your food budget can afford. What can be done?
In 2012 our University Post reporters Daniel Chen and Chloe Williams came up with these nine tongue-in-cheek suggestions that can take you from rags to riches in just a matter of months, if you’re only willing to use a little creativity. And moral ambiguity. Nick Counter did the graphics.
So here they are: When all else fails you, our suggested quick fixes might be just the boost you need to create that dream career you’ve always wanted.
Just a warning! Don’t hold us liable for the consequences!
1. GET A SPONSOR – Like those poor children on television, you deserve a second chance – at least a chance to exploit your youth and charm. Luckily, there are tons of websites out there with millionaires looking for attractive mates. Seekingmillionaire.com bills itself as ‘the number one millionaire dating site in Denmark’. Sign up on seekingmillionaire.com to find that special –and incidentally, rich – someone to share your life with.
2. MINING – Speaking of older wealthy people, Copenhagen’s many urban cemeteries are packed full of goodies that really aren’t being put to good use. Just think of yourself as an urban miner or a modern day Indiana Jones. All you need is a shovel and some of those trusty Netto bags and you’ll be on your way to trendy, but formal vintage suits, gold watches and unique encounters with some historic Danes.
3. WEB 2.0 – If you just keep your eyes peeled, you’ll find plenty of opportunities to make 400 dollars an hour working from home or win a free Ipod just by ‘playing a skill testing game’. It’s easy and almost too good to be true. It is amazing how often these opportunities are passed over. Don’t let the media fool you into thinking that this is a ‘scam’, they just want to keep all these opportunities for themselves. Since when do people lie on the internet?
4. ORGANISED CRIME – If you’re looking for something a bit more social, joining a gang is not only a great way to deal with your insecurities and self-esteem issues, but also makes for a viable career. It just so happens that Denmark is home to a thriving Hells Angels community that is always looking for new members. With cool hair cuts and shiny motorcycles, what’s not to dislike about this gang? Fight in biker wars, participate in lucrative business ventures and make some new tattooed friends!
5. RECYCLING – If you’re not really a people person, but still like beards and trench coats, collecting used bottles can be a relatively profitable activity in Copenhagen. Feel free to develop an eccentric persona as well. Get into character by filling your apartment with stacks of old newspapers and open cans of tuna. Scare tourists into giving you their bottles by contorting your face and wagging a fist full of sausages at them.
6. EAT LOCAL – Another local resource open for enterprise can be found at Amager Fælled. In the summer months, the park is full of grazing cows. Slow, trusting and full of meat, these cows are easy game for the inexperienced hunter.
7. AND EVEN MORE HUNTING – Looking for more of a thrill? Why not try hunting the most dangerous game of all – man. As a paid assassin you can work at home and make your own hours. Either advertise yourself as an assassin for hire on dba.dk, or just ask around if anyone you know is looking to avenge a death that has already occurred. At a high starting salary, you can track, stalk, and kill your way to that SUV and villa in the suburbs.
8. LOSING WEIGHT, AND OTHER THINGS – Ever considered selling your body? No, not in that way! Rather, think about selling your organs! With just a steak knife, a bathtub full of ice and a couple more of those Netto bags, you can get rid of some redundant organs and give them to someone that actually needs them. Making money and losing weight at the same time – there’s no trade like the organ trade! At up to DKK 60,000 a kidney you’ll get that new iphone in no time.
9. MANUAL LABOUR – Looking to continue cashing in on your bodily bounty? You’re in luck – and probably in good practice. Denmark is home to Cryos International, one of the world’s largest and most trusted sperm banks in the world where you can literally sell that strong jaw line of yours. At DKK 500 a pop, you can turn a hobby into a career! Added bonus: get the satisfaction of having children without having to raise them.
OK now you have had your fun! But please promise us you won’t try any of these suggestions!
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